Yo, Jimbo

::intended to be spoken aloud from a high point with no one around::


to my little sister i am sorry for making fat jokes about you when you were a little girl.
to my brother i am sorry for always underestimating your intelligence.
to my big sister i am sorry we don't know each other.
to my father i am sorry for taking too long to forgive you and holding unjustified grudges.
to my mother i am sorry that i will never be able to live up to your expectations and for the disappointment i have been conditioned to become.

but there is one person i cannot apologize to using any type of words that can be learned, written, spoken, sang - anything. not because the apology isn't deserved - but because no words that have been conceived by mortal men or women using any of their languages or mediums could convey the complexity of my sincerity. therefore the apology would fail and - much like your opinion of me must have - spiral into degradation with entropy that is so effective one would think it was mechanized.

"i fucked up"...too harsh.
"i was young"...everyone was.
"i was self-righteous, egotistical, conceited, arrogant, assuming, condescending, disconnected, unsympathetic, caught up in a bunch of bullshit, maybe a bit afraid, and all around negligent of every single one of my implied duties to you - given my assumed role in your life"...close, but no cigar.

not close enough, by far.

grass looked greener, skies looked bluer, all that cliche shit about the "other side" that seems so dangerously appealing. i wonder if this is how a cock roach feels as it tries to step off the bug trap and realizes its legs are stuck. the final thoughts of a mouse about tear in to the cheese just before its back is snapped by a bar that is triggered by a lever that would have just remained set had the mouse just left the god damn cheese alone.

to quote the king of rock and roll and dying while shitting while too addicted to put down the [insert vice of choice here]: i'm "caught in a trap." and to be honest i'd be happy if i could go back to a time when i could say i had a suspicious mind and not a regretful one.

back to the point: to you, i am sorry. and i will never be able to communicate how sorry. and even if i could, i might not try. because everything that is, just is. and everything that was, just was. and everything is everything and what is meant to be will be. thank you, lauryn hill and thank you elvis, and thank you jesus christ. and thank you, you who i am wishing i could apologize to, for making me who i am even though it took too long. i think you would agree that it is better late than never and i am sure you have no idea how amazing you are - which, in that regard, it is still better late than never but it is also better sooner than later that you realize that you are god.